when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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