Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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