Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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