Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
