shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
