I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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