i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
