Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
