Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
