Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
