I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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