Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
