I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
