So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
