I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
