we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
