Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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