it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
