I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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