think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
