My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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