I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We had to coat check the pizza.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Randomize
