it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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