Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
