You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
