I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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