I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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