What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
