Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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