dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
