did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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