o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
