My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
