I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
