saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
