I hate all girls vehemently.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I didn't notice because vodka
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
