I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
