Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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