Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
