The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
