Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
