So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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