i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
