Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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