I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
