I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
