I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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