he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
