Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
