I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
false alarm. still invincible.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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