If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Your dad touched me again.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
